Hate Is A Strong Word...

Hate is a strong word.... I NEVER use it. I may dislike someone but never hate them.

Honestly tonight i have come to the realization that i feel so much hate towards my ex. Its not because of the break up or all the mental abuse i went through with him... it goes a lot deeper then that. He violated me and broke my trust and then we ended up being pregnant. I dont care what he says this was the last thing i wanted. Honestly why would i want to have a baby with someone who already has three kids and doesn't take of them? Thats the only reason i stayed with him it because of those precious babies... they needed someone who cared. In the end im the one who got hurt and scared for life literally.

Not even 4 weeks into the pregnancy i lost the baby. Ive posted about this before and put the story out there for those who cared. It hurt like hell and still does. There isn't a day that goes by that i dont think about my precious little one that didn't make it into this world... i dont know what the reason was or why it happened... Im still trying to come to terms with the fact that it was NOT an abortion... i had NO CHOICE in the matter. I know this but its still that horrid thought that crosses my mind. Those last two weeks were a nightmare... constant doctors appointments, false hope, unclear answers...all to find out the baby was not going to make it. I went through all this ALONE... the daddy couldn't be bothered to even be there... all he could do was go out and party with his friends and try to find another girl... After the surgery he had the balls to actually show up at the hospital and put on a good front in front of my family and PRETEND to care... 

After he brought me home and put on his show for my family he wasn't seen or heard from again... the sad thing is his baby momma (one of my good friends now) called every day for two weeks to check on me and see how i was doing and then when i was healed and alright to get out of the house she let me spend a few weekends at her house with her and the kids. It really helped me with the break up and the loss and for a while i was ok. I dont think you ever fully recover from losing a child... When you lose one the way i did you are left with the stretch marks and surgery scars that are a constant reminder of who is no longer here. I try to be stong and most days im ok but there are some that i just fall apart and tonight is one of those nights...

Its not fair that he can just pick up and move on like nothing happened... Its not fair that i had to and still are going through this all alone... It really pisses me off that he ignores the child that he created and can't take any time out of his day to take a moment to remember the one we lost. If i didn't have my cousin and my family through it i would probably be a complete and utter nutcase by now... For anyone going through this your not alone.... there is help out there and others who have gone through what you are going through... dont be afraid to reach out... and please dont forget all the babies we have all lost.