Hate Is A Strong Word...

Hate is a strong word.... I NEVER use it. I may dislike someone but never hate them.

Honestly tonight i have come to the realization that i feel so much hate towards my ex. Its not because of the break up or all the mental abuse i went through with him... it goes a lot deeper then that. He violated me and broke my trust and then we ended up being pregnant. I dont care what he says this was the last thing i wanted. Honestly why would i want to have a baby with someone who already has three kids and doesn't take of them? Thats the only reason i stayed with him it because of those precious babies... they needed someone who cared. In the end im the one who got hurt and scared for life literally.

Not even 4 weeks into the pregnancy i lost the baby. Ive posted about this before and put the story out there for those who cared. It hurt like hell and still does. There isn't a day that goes by that i dont think about my precious little one that didn't make it into this world... i dont know what the reason was or why it happened... Im still trying to come to terms with the fact that it was NOT an abortion... i had NO CHOICE in the matter. I know this but its still that horrid thought that crosses my mind. Those last two weeks were a nightmare... constant doctors appointments, false hope, unclear answers...all to find out the baby was not going to make it. I went through all this ALONE... the daddy couldn't be bothered to even be there... all he could do was go out and party with his friends and try to find another girl... After the surgery he had the balls to actually show up at the hospital and put on a good front in front of my family and PRETEND to care... 

After he brought me home and put on his show for my family he wasn't seen or heard from again... the sad thing is his baby momma (one of my good friends now) called every day for two weeks to check on me and see how i was doing and then when i was healed and alright to get out of the house she let me spend a few weekends at her house with her and the kids. It really helped me with the break up and the loss and for a while i was ok. I dont think you ever fully recover from losing a child... When you lose one the way i did you are left with the stretch marks and surgery scars that are a constant reminder of who is no longer here. I try to be stong and most days im ok but there are some that i just fall apart and tonight is one of those nights...

Its not fair that he can just pick up and move on like nothing happened... Its not fair that i had to and still are going through this all alone... It really pisses me off that he ignores the child that he created and can't take any time out of his day to take a moment to remember the one we lost. If i didn't have my cousin and my family through it i would probably be a complete and utter nutcase by now... For anyone going through this your not alone.... there is help out there and others who have gone through what you are going through... dont be afraid to reach out... and please dont forget all the babies we have all lost.

Post Loss Check Up 3 Months

Today i would be 16 weeks pregnant....but as most of you know God has other plans for me and my little one. If this is your first time here you can find the story here. Its been a journey for the last three months and ive had my ups and downs but i must say im still here and still going strong.

When i first heard the words ectopic and no hope 3 months ago i was devastated. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. I had heard about it or so many people having miscarriages but i never thought it would happen to me but it did. I lost my little angel at only 4 weeks to an ectopic pregnancy. I know why it happened and ive accepted it... it was inevitable and would of happened sooner or later. The problem is fixed now and i go back to the doc at the end of this month for post surgery ultra sound and make sure everything is ok.

 

Honeslty. This is the third time i have rescheduled the appointment. I dont know why but i have this fear that something happened and its going to be bad news. I guess its just my thoughts running away but its a possibility that i may not be able to have kids after this... My mom said the doc said my left tube was healthy and fertile so well see at the follow up... i cant prolong it forever right??

As far as depression goes.... none. I am perfectly fine to be around babies, i dont get sad or go mia everytime i find out a friend is pregnant... so far its only been 2. I dont get mad and ask why when i see other pregnant women. Its odd really... its almost like it had a reverse effect on me. I love seeing pregnant women, babies and hear about friends being pregnant... i know my time will come one day and until it does i have my friends babys and their pregnancy journey to keep me busy outside of work.

Ive honestly had a little of the baby fever going around recently but im not acting on it! I have a few more things i have to do before im ready for a baby and for starters it would be to get into a relationship and build it up to the point to where we are ready for a baby. You can't just go out having one night stands until you get pregnant that would be a little weird dont you think? My time will come when it comes and i am in NO HURRY for it to get here. Patience is a virtue in this world. LOL

Single Girl Swag Part III

There is an end in sight! Always, Always Always Remember that and DON'T even forget it!

No matter how bad things may seem they will get better and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know this for myself and have lived it for the past two months. When the break up and losing the baby happened i thought my world was done, finished over with.... Then something in my head snapped and said no so fast my friend.

Thats when i realized WTF am i doing?!?! Why am i going to let a man have SO much control over me in such a short amount of time? I had become what i dreaded for years... DEPENDENT on a man. Now for some this is okay for their lifestyle, situation or whatever the case may be but for me not so much. I like having my own job to occupy my time, my own money ( i HATE asking people for things) and my own freedom.Thats when i decided NO MORE men for a while. I need HAVE to get my head on straight and get myself together. 

Thats when this whole journey of Single Girl Swag started. It went from me being at the lowest point i have EVER been in in my life to where i am at now. Its not big adjustments but hey every little thing counts. To update you all i have had a job for about a week now... YES! i got the job at longhorns! I also registered for my GED process and have orientation on the 13th of this month to get that started. Also my cousins AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL girlfriend is selling me her car for a really good price so things are working out! Im finally getting to where i need to be and getting my life back. As for my mental and emotional state im doing better each and every day. Im in no hurry to get into another relationship but if someone comes along i like enough to change that then im willing to give it a shot but i REFUSE to give up what i have worked so hard to get. It may not be this easy for some but just remember to give yourself enough time.

All wounds will heal in time and if you work hard and put your mind to it everything will fall into place.

Until Next Time...Keep Swagging On My Single Friends!

Freedom Comes With A Price

Freedom comes with a price.... no matter what form its in you pay that price.

In my case the price would be a few lonely nights and a broken heart but im healing slowly and moving on. This whole experiance has made me realize who my true friends are and ive made some pretty awsome new ones along the way. Its amazing what you can accomplish when you take out the distraction and focus on yourself.

One of my main focuses with my new fount freedom was finding a job and i think im pretty close to getting what i want. I filled out an application online to longhorns on sunday and yesterday i received and email asking me to call the store at my earliest convince. Well i called right away at 10:30 in the morning spoke with the manager and she asked me if i could come in for an interview at 12. It was such short notice but i managed to make it in there in time and it was well worth it because i have a SECOND interview friday at 2 with the MAIN MANAGER of the place. This will also help me accomplish a few more things i had on my to do list such as they give you day one medical, a 401K and a few other benefits. So it works out for me!

If and when i get the job i can start saving up for a car because i refuse to finance a car again. Its just not in my budget right now and if i dont have a car payment i can move out and still have money to myself and insurance would be WAYYYY cheaper since its paid off so the benefits are a plus! Once i get my job and car i can then move on to getting my GED and then starting school and getting my life where i want it to be. Its going to be a little tough but it will soooo be WORTH it in the end.

It maybe a lonely journey getting through starting work and getting a car but it will be very rewarding in the end so when i am ready for a relationship i will have my own $hit and i wont have to depend on someone else. I think it just really makes you feel better when you have your own money, car and etc when dating someone and really boost your self confidence. I will update again as soon as i know something about the job!

Single Girl Swag Part II

This song is for all you single girls out there who are feeling down.

It offers such a powerful message and im absolutely in love with it!

Single Girl Swag On My Ladies!

Crispy Friend Chicken Tenders & Homemade Honey Mustard YUM!

This is by far the best recipe i have fount and they are amazing!!!

The recipe can be fount {here} 

 {I Used Regular Milk Because I Didn't Have Buttermilk}

 {I used less than a tsp of garlic & added natures seasoning}

{PERFECTION}

Down 22lbs Can You See The Difference?

Before:

After:

My Newest Addiction

Chicken Artichoke & Spinach Flatbread

This my friends is the best appetizer i have ever had in my entire life! I went to outback a week ago with an old girlfriend of mine and she ordered this and told me i had to try it. I will admit at first i was skeptical because im not really a spinach person and i wasn't sure about artichokes but this flat bread is amazing! If only i could find a recipe that comes close to Outbacks flatbread.... I guess for now ill have to go back to get it :)

Blog Dare- Thats When I Got Caught!

Im sure many people have had this happen to them but I KILLED the tooth fairy :(
 

Its a funny story how it happened to, my ex had three small kids all under 8 and two of them had started to lose their baby teeth. Well one day after their momma dropped them off with us the middle one said she had lost a tooth at school but they couldn't find it anywhere so she was worried the tooth fairy wouldn't visit her.

Some how i manage to come up with the idea of writing the tooth fairy a letter explaining what happened and if we were able to find the tooth we would put it under her pillow for pick up haha. I swear kids can really put you on the spot sometimes but it worked for her and we wrote the letter and their dad decided to hang it above the door instead of letting her put it under her pillow....BAD IDEA!

I should really get a bad "daddys girlfriend" award for this one.... We BOTH forgot to put her money under her pillow and didn't realize it until 6 am the next morning! I reminded him and he automatically jumped out of bed and went to their room and ATTEMPTED to grab the letter without being noticed but he so totally got BUSTED by the oldest one and he kept telling the middle one that Daddy was the tooth fairy. We were able to do the best of damage control we could explaining that daddy was the tooth fairy's helper and she was really busy that night so she gave daddy the money to give to her but that my friends is how we got caught.